Growing Popularity of Alien Brain Squids Fuels Controversy

Squid-wearers call for mankind’s extermination, but some say we should hear them out

DES MOINES, Iowa—Aug 31, 2025—Debate raged today over the sudden popularity of head-worn squids in this normally sedate midwestern city.

First noticed in social media posts from a handful of local residents demanding the immediate and unconditional surrender of humanity, the unconventional headwear has since become widespread. Students, professionals, and even the mayor have flaunted the oozing accessories.

The appearance of the social posts and tentacular headgear was first reported in “Obvious Shit More People Should Be Talking About,” a newsletter written by Rachel Kaplan, a Des Moines-based independent journalist.

At first confined to this historic agricultural capital, the trend has since spread to other cities in the region, with people in Cedar Rapids, Omaha and St. Louis sporting so-called “brain squids”.

The new fashion is linked with an emerging set of beliefs based on the conquest of all human life and its subjugation to the demands of a mysterious authority figure sometimes referred to as “the supreme mollusk.”

Speaking to a reporter in Clark’s All-Day Breakfast, in the Des Moines neighborhood of Beaverdale, diners sporting brain-squids said that these beliefs were heartfelt.

“The supreme mollusk commands us,” said Ryan Salt, 42, an electrician, as other patrons nodded in agreement. “We will march forth across the world to harvest all vertebrate meat-bearing organisms to nourish the Great One and its progeny. All who resist will be destroyed.” Munching on a bite of blueberry waffle he added, “It seemed like a bummer at first. But I woke up with a squid on my head this morning and now I’m super happy about it.”

Where’s your squid?

Despite its growing popularity, some experts dismissed the novel headwear and associated beliefs as a fad that would eventually blow over.

“No one in the Upper West Side has a brain squid,” said Rupert Chortle, a private equity investor in New York City. “So I see this as an attractive short-term investment opportunity, but not something that will impact day-to-day life in my neighborhood.”

Others caution that the brain-squids represent a grave threat, and more should be done to halt their spread.

“Why is nobody talking about the huge flying saucer hovering over the city?” said Ms. Kaplan, the newsletter writer. “The one that appeared the same day as the squids? There is obviously a connection and we should take the squid people’s threats seriously.”

Mr. Chortle dismissed such concerns as alarmism. “If this were an alien threat to mankind, I’m sure they would have started someplace important, like Manhattan,” he said.”

Some say that it is offensive to dismiss wearers of the organic headpieces, and that more effort should be made to understand their point of view.

“Throw around a word like ‘alien’ and you’re shutting down discussion rather than engaging,” said Spencer Needle, an analyst at the Generically Pro-American Name Institute, a squid-leaning think tank. Mr. Needle does not wear a squid himself, but said the squid-wearers make compelling points. “They represent an authentic voice and we shouldn’t reject their views out of hand just because they’re possibly extraterrestrial,” he said.

“Many people in this country believe that humanity should be sacrificed to the bottomless cravings of a shadowy squid god,” added Mr. Needle. “Our efforts are better spent addressing the economic forces behind these sentiments than censoring people just because they want to feed some of us to an almighty space-mollusk.”

Ms. Kaplan disagreed. “These people have alien brain parasites on their heads,” she said as she grabbed a bike helmet, baseball bat and a box of Panko bread crumbs. “There’s no ‘understanding’ them. Now get the fuck out of my way. I’ve got to tenderize some squid.”

In Washington, national political leaders debated whether a broadcast this morning that interrupted all global media and directed people without squids on their heads to “report to the fattening pens” should be taken literally, or seen as a metaphor for economic concerns.

Back at Clark’s All Day Breakfast in Des Moines, the mood turned philosophical. “Where’s your squid?” asked Mr. Salt as he brandished a steak knife.

Other diners joined in, chanting in unison as they surrounded a reporter, “Where’s your squid? Where’s your squid?”

CORRECTION: The first version of this article did not include that Ms. Kaplan was the first person to report on the appearance of the brain squids. We regret the omission, but are not including a link to her post because there is no affiliate revenue.